what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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