My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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