i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
