The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
