allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
