I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
my shit smells like andre
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
