the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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