Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I don't deserve a penis
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
