i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
