It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
