forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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