foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Randomize
