I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
