i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
