after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
