I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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