Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
In America we eat man semen.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
