the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
