I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
