the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Randomize
