My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
