The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
They took my balls.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
