Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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