I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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