I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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