i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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