Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
