I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
