I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
