So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
