we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
