I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
