so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
