update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
