Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
