also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Randomize
