You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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