I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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