the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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