...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
