I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
