Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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