He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
