Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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