Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
