I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
