I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
