So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
