You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
