Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
