If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
